I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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