Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
