You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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