YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
