Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
