so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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