I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
