I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
