Im at strip club and am horny
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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