I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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