I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
