so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
