This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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