If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Randomize
