went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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