If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
