She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The best revenge is premature balding
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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