That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
