I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
The feeling are messing with the penis
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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