god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
