The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize