he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
