Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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