nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
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