If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
