it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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