fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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