my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
