Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Swine flu is the new snow day.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
