I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
