Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
