I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
