theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
