I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
