I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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