I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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