took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
