Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
