remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
