She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
