i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
