I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
we're so committed to being not committed
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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