Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
