That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
