how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
