I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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