used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
