thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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