if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Dick very happy bro
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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