Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
