ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
