officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
