Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
