Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
