she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
