My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
