that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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