nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
